Genre(s): angst, fluff
Word Count: 927
Summary: It takes Krystal years to muster the courage to let herself be.
Written for the kacts
comm, originally posted here
Krystal's not sure how to feel when Amber comes out to her roughly six months before they debut. It's not that she's homophobic- not at all! It's just...it pulls forth this feeling within her that makes her uncomfortable. No, that's not the right word. Unsettled
That night, she can't seem to fall asleep- her mind running in circles and fixating on what Amber had told her. It makes her think of all of those article on real girls
in teen magazines that she'd read back in the States. The picture was always of some unattractive girl with no makeup and no fashion sense standing in her backyard and looking serious. She remembers reading those articles with a sort of sick fascination and wondering if one day she'd wake up and be a lesbian- like it's a switch that can be flipped overnight. Then she'd move on to an article on Christina Aguilera and wish that one day she'd be a successful pop singer just like her.
But, thinking back to those girls in the magazines- the ones with oversized t-shirts, boys' jeans, and beanies- Krystal thinks that they don't seem anything like
Amber. Even though Amber does
have a tendency to wear boys' clothes on occasion. No. Amber is pretty and has good fashion sense when she actually tries. She's confident, but she doesn't throw her sexuality in other people's faces like it always seemed like the girls in the magazines were doing. Amber is just...Amber
After a few days, Krystal thinks that she's come to terms with Amber's sexuality (as if Amber's sexuality was hers to come to terms with at all) and she almost forgets about it. Almost. But at least she doesn't fixate on it like she feared she would.
It isn't until a nearly two years later that Krystal gets that unsettling feeling in her gut again. It's after she's woken up from a dream- nightmare
, she corrects herself- in which Amber is on top of her in...in Sulli's bed actually and they're kissing like men and women do in R-rated movies right before the camera angles get weird so the shots are just suggestive- not pornographic. Amber is kissing her like the male trainee (who ended up leaving SM) kissed her that one time in the practice room. Except, unlike that time, Krystal likes
it. It's just a dream
, Krystal tells herself over and over as she tosses and turns in bed. She's had sexual dreams about lots of people that she isn't actually attracted to (including her sister once, but she's trying her hardest to forget that one), so this is obviously just another instance of her sub-conscious going haywire.
But then the dreams start becoming more and more frequent (not to mention more and more erotic) to the point where Krystal is blushing over her cereal in the morning, unable to make eye contact with Amber until at least lunchtime when the images have faded. Amber notices of course. She may wear boys' clothes, but she isn't dense like one. Krystal tells her it's nothing.
"Look at his body
," Sulli exclaims one day, shoving a magazine into Krystal's face almost as soon as she walks into the dorm. Krystal looks down at the page, a sculpted man in tiny swim trunks looking back at her.
"Mmmhmm," she nods, walking past the other girl to drop her purse in her room.
"Isn't he gorgeous?" Sulli swoons behind her, "Don't you just want to lick his abs?"
Krystal pretends to be busy checking her phone when she finds that no
, she really has no desire to lick his abs. Panicking, she mentally goes through every attractive male she can think of, testing to see if she has any urge to lick
any of them. She doesn't. Not even a little.
Feigning a migraine, she shuts her door and lays down on her bed. As she watches the light change on the white ceiling she finally stops her near-constant avoidance of that unsettling feeling that had been nagging at her since she was a little girl. It gets a lot worse before it gets better.
Weeks, panic attacks, crying sessions, and self-motivational speeches later, she corner Amber when she's coming out of the bathroom.
"Can I talk to you?" she asks, feeling her voice shake even though she hasn't even admitted anything out loud yet.
"Of course," Amber replies, shooting her an inquisitive look before following her into her bedroom where she shuts the door behind them, "What's up?"
"Um..." Krystal starts, hearing as her voice raises above its usual pitch, "I...think..."
She takes a breath and sits down on the edge of her bed, her gaze on her trembling hands in her lap.
"I don't like boys," she says, hushed like she's afraid the confession will drown her if it's any louder. After a beat of silence, she works up the courage to look up at Amber. The other girl looks surprised, but there's a hint of a smile on her lips.
"Does that mean you like girls?" she asks and Krystal nods, not quite ready to say it out loud- it still feels too foreign on her tongue.
A moment later she feels the bed dip under Amber's weight.
"What's wrong?" she asks, a warm arm around her shoulder. It's then that Krystal realizes that she's crying.
"I don't know," she chokes out, gratefully accepting the hug that Amber offers her.
"It's okay," Amber says, rubbing her back, "It's going to be okay."
Krystal doesn't know why, but she believes her.