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The Garden of Earthly Delights
My Mind Is My Best Friend And My Worst Enemy
A Passionate Speech Or A Persuasive Essay (broken!OnTae) 
25th-Nov-2011 04:21 am
Title: A Passionate Speech Or A Persuasive Essay (Everything I Could Say)
Pairing: broken!OnTae
Rating: PG
Genre(s): angst, romance?
Word Count: 688
Summary: Jinki wishes that he could tell Taemin everything in his heart.

-----------------

    Jinki stared at the empty page in front of him, flexing tightening his grip on the pen in his hand before dropping it onto the open notebook in frustration. This was a stupid idea, he thought. Writing a letter that he'd never get to send? That the intended recipient would never get to read?

    It could just make things harder on him, he acknowledged. Or it could help. He considered the possible outcomes for a moment before deciding that, considering the fat tears rolling down his cheeks, he might as well try. So he carefully picked up the pen and began to write.

Dear Taeminnie,

    There are so many things I wish I could say. And to have the opportunity to say
any of them to you would probably make me weep with joy. But I can't. I know that. And so do you.

    Life is cruel. We were careless. Love makes people do stupid things. That's what my mother said to me. I told her about you. I had to- I was a wreck. She told me that I hadn't thought things through; that I hadn't considered the consequences of my actions. I guess she was right. I mean, I guess I considered them, but I didn't understand them until they happened.

    I'd like to think that I can fix any problem. And that, with the right intentions and proper explanation, people should be able to understand. I think I delude myself thinking that if I could just explain, you're parents would understand.

    But knowing how they see me- someone older, someone that they've never met, someone whose gender effectively makes their only soon gay?- I can understand how they would see those things as pretty damning evidence.

    Nonetheless, it doesn't stop my delusional daydreams about the passionate speeches I could give them or about the persuasive essays that I could write to make them see that I love you. To make them see that the simple act of telling you that makes my world brighter.

    I don't need a lot. I don't need their blessing to date you. I can wait. I just need to tell you that I love you. To be able to tell you how wonderful you are...that would be enough.

    I wish they could see that I would love you more than any girl they would want you to date. I wish they knew that I would do everything in my power to make you the happiest person alive. But even knowing that...I'm not sure it would make a difference.

    I probably shouldn't waste my time wishing. I should be realistic and not keep dwelling on “if only's” or “if only the world was fair.” That's what my mother told me too. But I can't help it.

    Is love still making me stupid? Is it making me careless? Maybe.

    I think about you everyday and there is absolutely no one that can even compare to you.

    I wish- more than anything, more than I wish that we could be together- for your happiness. And someday, if you'll let me, I hope you will give me the opportunity to make you feel like the luckiest person in the world. Because that's how I would feel knowing that I could be with you.

    I think that I'm just telling you the same thing over and over again, so I'll wrap this up.

    Just know that I love you and that I'll always be here for you.

    Love,
    Jinki


    Jinki looked at the finished letter (the writing at the beginning clean and neat while the end looked like chicken scratch with so many things scribbled out) and he sighed.

    Had the letter helped? Maybe. Was he feeling worse? Well...no. Though his inability to articulate what he was feeling was frustrating. As was the knowledge that there was no guarantee that Taemin would ever know any of this.

    But he could feel exhaustion creeping up on him so he reluctantly put the letter aside and allowed himself to relax against his pillows.

    He fell asleep with the knowledge that tomorrow was one day closer to someday.

taemin short pony
Comments 
25th-Nov-2011 10:23 am (UTC)
spot for l2inl2in <3
25th-Nov-2011 10:23 am (UTC)
spot for onewlurver :)
25th-Nov-2011 02:49 pm (UTC)
Awww... this is so sad, but so very realistic with how things could really go in this situation. ( I think you do really well in this area of writing)

I hope "someday" comes soon for ontae too.
25th-Nov-2011 05:28 pm (UTC)
thank you :')
i'm glad that you liked it even though it was sad!
thanks for reading and commenting!
25th-Nov-2011 10:39 pm (UTC)
:( my precious OnTae
if only Taemins parents saw the looks they gave each other
    I probably shouldn't waste my time wishing. I should be realistic and not keep dwelling on “if only's” or “if only the world was fair.”<<< That is one of my FAV lines
25th-Nov-2011 11:08 pm (UTC)
i'm sorry i broke them :(
but i'm glad that you liked it even though it was sad!
thanks for reading and commenting!
27th-Nov-2011 07:00 am (UTC)
So sad, but it would be the truth in idol land.
I like the "love makes you do stupid things" theme. You didn't tell us if something "stupid" had already happened, which was just right, IMO.
27th-Nov-2011 04:08 pm (UTC)
thank you!
i'm so glad that you enjoyed it
thanks for reading and commenting!
27th-Nov-2011 10:51 pm (UTC)
Ack! So sorry I missed this when it was first posted. I have a bad habit of not reading my flist and then going poking around to see what people are up to...anyway!

This.... I think about how hard it must be for them if OnTae is as real as I believe it is... Taemin with his strict Catholic upbringing, Jinki with his Leader and Hyung responsibilities. Love can overcome those things sure, but it can't be easy and they must live every day with the fear of being caught and all the destruction that could wreak to not only their lives but others lives too. I worry about them, to be honest, as if they could know or care about this little old lady in Virginia, and what she thinks.

At any rate, I think this is definitely one way it could go and I almost want to ask you to write a companion piece with Taemin's pain and fear and frustration as well... Jinki's pain is palpable and the things he says about doing whatever he can to make Taemin feel like the happiest, luckiest human being on the planet...someday... at any rate, it's a lovely sad piece.

There's a song from West Side Story that I thought of when I was reading the last lines.

"Somewhere" is the title. But this is the refrain.

There's a time for us
Some day a time for us
Time together
With time to spare
Time to look
Time to care
Someday


*sigh* Sorry for such a long convoluted comment.
28th-Nov-2011 12:06 am (UTC)
don't apologize for your comment! i loved it :')
i'm so glad that you liked this even though it was sad.
it would definitely be interesting to write from taemin's point of view too, but i think i'll have to wait for the idea to accost me. that's how this happened- at 4 am lol
i also think that ontae is real and i really hope that this isn't how things go for them!
and that song is absolutely perfect! :')
thank you so much for reading and for this lovely comment <3
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