Title: A Passionate Speech Or A Persuasive Essay (Everything I Could Say)
Genre(s): angst, romance?
Word Count: 688
Summary: Jinki wishes that he could tell Taemin everything in his heart.
Jinki stared at the empty page in front of him, flexing tightening his grip on the pen in his hand before dropping it onto the open notebook in frustration. This was a stupid idea, he thought. Writing a letter that he'd never get to send? That the intended recipient would never get to read?
It could just make things harder on him, he acknowledged. Or it could help. He considered the possible outcomes for a moment before deciding that, considering the fat tears rolling down his cheeks, he might as well try. So he carefully picked up the pen and began to write.Dear Taeminnie,
There are so many things I wish I could say. And to have the opportunity to say
any of them to you would probably make me weep with joy. But I can't. I know that. And so do you.
Life is cruel. We were careless. Love makes people do stupid things. That's what my mother said to me. I told her about you. I had to- I was a wreck. She told me that I hadn't thought things through; that I hadn't considered the consequences of my actions. I guess she was right. I mean, I guess I considered them, but I didn't understand them until they happened.
I'd like to think that I can fix any problem. And that, with the right intentions and proper explanation, people should be able to understand. I think I delude myself thinking that if I could just explain, you're parents would understand.
But knowing how they see me- someone older, someone that they've never met, someone whose gender effectively makes their only soon gay?- I can understand how they would see those things as pretty damning evidence.
Nonetheless, it doesn't stop my delusional daydreams about the passionate speeches I could give them or about the persuasive essays that I could write to make them see that I love you. To make them see that the simple act of telling you that makes my world brighter.
I don't need a lot. I don't need their blessing to date you. I can wait. I just need to tell you that I love you. To be able to tell you how wonderful you are...that would be enough.
I wish they could see that I would love you more than any girl they would want you to date. I wish they knew that I would do everything in my power to make you the happiest person alive. But even knowing that...I'm not sure it would make a difference.
I probably shouldn't waste my time wishing. I should be realistic and not keep dwelling on “if only's” or “if only the world was fair.” That's what my mother told me too. But I can't help it.
Is love still making me stupid? Is it making me careless? Maybe.
I think about you everyday and there is absolutely no one that can even compare to you.
I wish- more than anything, more than I wish that we could be together- for your happiness. And someday, if you'll let me, I hope you will give me the opportunity to make you feel like the luckiest person in the world. Because that's how I would feel knowing that I could be with you.
I think that I'm just telling you the same thing over and over again, so I'll wrap this up.
Just know that I love you and that I'll always be here for you.
Jinki looked at the finished letter (the writing at the beginning clean and neat while the end looked like chicken scratch with so many things scribbled out) and he sighed.
Had the letter helped? Maybe. Was he feeling worse? Well...no. Though his inability to articulate what he was feeling was frustrating. As was the knowledge that there was no guarantee that Taemin would ever know any of this.
But he could feel exhaustion creeping up on him so he reluctantly put the letter aside and allowed himself to relax against his pillows.
He fell asleep with the knowledge that tomorrow was one day closer to someday