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The Garden of Earthly Delights
My Mind Is My Best Friend And My Worst Enemy
Ticking Like A Bomb In A Birdcage (Kai-centric, LuKai) [3/3] 
17th-Nov-2013 06:35 pm
Title: Ticking Like A Bomb In A Birdcage 3/3
Pairing: Kai-centric, Lu Han/Kai, slight Kai/Ara, Kai/Tao, and lots of minor pairings
Rating: PG-13
Warning(s): lots of girl group cameos (mostly AOA and Hello Venus)
Genre(s): slice-of-life, angst, romance
Word Count: 18,190
Summary: Hindsight is 20/20. Or something to that effect.
a/n: Just to note, this fic doesn't exactly have the happy ending you'd expect? I don't think it's a sad ending by any means, but just be warned. Also, I had the American school system in mind when writing this rather than the Korean system.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

------------------

Over the course of the next few days, Jongin could literally think of nothing else but Taemin's mouth on his dick. It was like he was obsessed with the idea with the amount of time he spent thinking about it.

Then there was all the time he kept trying to convince himself that it didn't mean anything and that it was just the fact that Taemin had such nice cock sucking lips. But the fact that he was thinking that at all kind of negated any arguments he'd successfully made in favor of him being super duper straight.

It didn't help at all that Taemin kept greasily winking at him like it was hilarious. It was not hilarious. In fact, it was the least hilarious thing that Jongin could think of because he felt like his brain was going to explode and he just wanted to turn off his thoughts and crawl into a hole and never come out.

But unfortunately he couldn't do that. He had to face what he was feeling and maybe kind of acknowledge what it might mean. And there had always been something niggling in the back of his mind that maybe he wasn't straight, despite his best efforts to squelch that idea. There was a reason that he'd felt like crying when Lu Han had told him that Kibum asked if he was gay. Because if someone else thought so, then maybe he couldn't pretend it wasn't true.

Because then he couldn't just pretend that he hadn't suddenly found himself inexplicably attracted to one of the boys in his dance class when he'd watched his solo as a fifteen year old. He couldn't just chalk it up to getting caught up in the performance in the dark auditorium where he'd felt like he was suffocating on the truth that was right there.

Jongin nearly started to hyperventilate when he was lying in bed two nights after the Taemin incident had happened. Because there was that suffocating feeling again and this time, there was no escape. No theater to exit and leave his thoughts behind in, folded into the velvet seats. This wasn't going to go away. No matter how much he willed it to.

And for the first time, he maybe didn't feel like pushing it down- stomping the feelings as flat as they could go so it was like they weren't there. For the first time, he almost wanted to just let himself feel them.

And that was the scariest thing of all.

---

Two weeks after the giant slap in the face that was his sexuality and four weeks since he'd seen Ara, Jongin offered to go out to Ara's college even though that week was technically supposed to be Ara coming to him. Because he knew that he couldn't keep pretending and he didn't want to make Ara come all the way to his school just so he could ruin everything.

Jongin felt sick when he followed Ara into her dorm room, fortunately void of her roommate.

Ara went to kiss him and Jongin flinched, feeling guilt erupt in his chest at the hurt look that crossed her face. Because Ara was wonderful and he loved her, but he didn't love her like he should.

“I can't do this,” he blurted out, feeling his stomach roll.

Ara's gaze was sharp, eyebrows creased and lips tight. “Did you cheat on me?”

Jongin's eyes went wide as he hastily shook his head. He might have felt hurt that she'd think such a thing, but he knew she tended to expect the worst from people sometimes even if they'd shown her nothing that would warrant her skepticism.

“I'm...I...” Jongin swallowed, the words feeling impossibly heavy on his tongue. He really thought he might be sick.

Ara was watching, waiting for him to continue and Jongin was brought back to the look of expectation she'd had when she waited for him to ask her out, except this time her eyes were guarded and her shoulders were tense.

“Jongin, what?” she snapped, voice hard even if the glassiness of her eyes gave her away.

“I think...I like...” he took a breath and tried to force the admission out despite the fact that he felt like it was impossible, “...men.”

“What?” she looked confused and Jongin fisted his hands at his sides, trembling so much he was having a hard time keep his knees from buckling.

“Men,” he repeated, still feeling on the verge of throwing up, “I like...”

Realization settled over her face and she stepped back- not like she was disgusted, but like she needed to look at him- head to toe- to take in what he was telling her.

“Are you sure?” she asked even though she looked like she knew that he was telling her the truth.

“I...” Jongin wanted to say no, he wasn't sure because saying yes felt so final and so like everything he'd been running from his entire life.

But he knew that deep down, he must have been sure. Because there was no way he'd be standing there, breaking up with the most perfect girl he'd ever met if he wasn't sure.

So he nodded, feeling tears spill over his cheeks at the same time Ara closed her eyes and let her tears fall.

“I'm sorry,” he told her, desperate to do anything to fix this even though he knew that there was nothing he could do to make it better.

Ara opened her eyes and met his gaze, looking just as stunning as she always did even with tear tracks wetting her cheeks.

“Okay.”

There was so much more to say, but at the same time there wasn't. Anything he could say, he suspected she knew. He wasn't doing this to hurt her. He cared for her and had as long as they'd been together but...

“I think you should go,” she said when Jongin did nothing but look at her helplessly, hands shaking and eyes filling with tears again.

Jongin couldn't help that he cried on the bus ride home, garnering stares from several passengers.

When he let himself back into his dorm room, his heart ached, but his shoulders felt lighter.

---

Going home for their first break, Jongin found himself fielding a lot of questions about why he and Ara broke up. Which was difficult considering he was no where near ready to tell anyone. At least not his family who all seemed perplexed why he would end things with Ara, whom they adored. He told them that they were better as friends and left it at that.

But despite not feeling like he could tell his family yet, he couldn't help but feel tempted to tell Lu Han. They hadn't actually talked that much over the first few months of college since they were both so busy getting acclimated, but as his best friend for four years, Jongin felt like telling him would be a good first step.

Lu Han came over to his house for lunch his second day home, greeting him with a smile and pat on the back as he slipped his shoes off and made his way into Jongin's kitchen with a bag of take-out.

After a short briefing on their college lives so far (Lu Han's roommate was apparently a space case who forgot to go to class half the time, but aced every test regardless), Jongin took a deep breath and told him that he broke up with Ara. Lu Han, like Jongin's family, seemed surprised.

“Wow,” he said, taking a bite of a particularly long fry and chewing slowly, “How come?”

Jongin bit his lip and felt his heart hammering so hard it was nearly painful. He couldn't do it.

“We would just work better as friends,” he told Lu Han instead, hating himself for his cowardice.

Lu Han nodded thoughtfully, but didn't say anything more.

A couple of minutes passed in silence as they each finished off their burgers, Jongin feeling the weight of his unspoken confession on his conscience.

“Want to hear a weird story?” Lu Han asked then and Jongin nodded eagerly, needing to fall into some form of normalcy which was, for some reason, lacking for the first time between them, “Well, I know this girl and I guess she got really drunk and was giving this guy a blow job in the backyard of a frat house and he was drunk too so he accidentally peed in her mouth!”

Jongin blinked. The atmosphere still felt wrong.

“Gross,” he finally said and Lu Han nodded emphatically.

When Lu Han left a half hour later because he had other plans, Jongin felt kind of cheated.

---

When Sehun was driving him to get ice cream that night (despite the fact that it was nearly winter), Jongin blurted out the real reason why he'd broken up with Ara while they were stopped at a stoplight.

Sehun looked over at him as Jongin felt his stomach twisting painfully.

“That makes sense,” Sehun said after a moment and Jongin's eyes widened.

“It does?”

Sehun nodded, “It always kind of seemed like you were holding something back. Though I would have put my money on Lu Han being gay before you.”

Jongin continued to look at Sehun in disbelief.

Sehun glanced over as he started to move again when the light turned green, “Dude, stop looking like I'm going to kick you out of my car. Give me a little more credit than that.”

Jongin laughed, relieved, and felt one hundred times better when Sehun dropped him back at home an hour later than he had when he and Lu Han had parted ways.

---

When he returned to college, everything felt a little less panic inducing and Jongin was able to get back into his studies and feel like a normal person. He wasn't constantly plagued by the thought that he was...gay (the word still felt foreign and strange even when he just thought it in his head). But he did have the occasional delayed aha moment where he'd wonder how it had taken him so long to realize what was, in retrospect, so obvious.

But then one day when he was remembering some of the dumb things he'd done in high school, he suddenly thought of what Sehun had said when he'd told him that he liked men. He'd said that he would have expected Lu Han to be gay before Jongin. At the time, he'd been too relieved that Sehun hadn't had any problem with his sexuality to give it much thought, but now he found that it made sense.

If he were to find out that Lu Han was gay, he wouldn't be surprised. Lu Han had always seemed to lack enough interest in girls for his relationships to lead to dead ends. And the way he acted around guys sometimes...the way he'd acted around Jongin sometimes-

Holy fuck.

All of the sudden, Jongin was slammed with a series of memories, shuffling behind his eyes at lightning speed, of his and Lu Han's friendship. And he was struck by a realization more shocking than the fact that he was gay. Because he'd been actively denying that. He'd never, however, considered being in love with Lu Han, but...

Now that he thought about it, it seemed so obvious that he'd had it bad for Lu Han. While he'd thought that he had just had friendly affections for him, it turned out that he was harboring so much more. His slight possessiveness of the other boy and the fact that Lu Han dating always made him feel uncomfortable made so much more sense.

And...no matter how he thought about it, it seemed pretty clear that he hadn't been the only one with feelings that went beyond friendship. It really seemed like...Lu Han had been into him too.

In retrospect, his high school career read like a Shōnen-ai manga, but with the wrong ending.

---

As shocking of a realization as it had been that he'd had feelings for Lu Han in high school, there wasn't much to be done with it. Jongin knew that things were different now. They were both in college and only communicated via the occasional text message. Not to mention, Lu Han probably didn't realize any of what Jongin had figured out. Nor did he know that Jongin was gay.

So he was left reeling for a bit, but then he just moved on- going with Taemin to lots of strange parties, studying hard to keep up his grades in his gen ed classes, and not acquiring any more girlfriends.

Still somewhat uncomfortable with his sexuality, Jongin didn't go out of his way to tell people. He didn't go out looking for dudes to bring home to his bed. He just continued on as he was with the added advantage of understanding why his eyes lingered on attractive men that he passed on the street.

---

Jongin needed to knock out one last gen ed his final semester in college- sociology- and the only class with an opening left that fulfilled that credit was women's studies. So Jongin signed up and just hoped that he wouldn't be the only boy.

When Jongin walked in on the first day of class at 8:30 am, feeling half asleep still, he automatically made for the empty seat beside the only male that was present so far. He might not have been the most approachable looking of guys, dressed in tight back jeans with his multiple ear piercings glinting in the fluorescent light, but Jongin was just relieved that it wouldn't be a room full of girls and him sitting awkwardly in the corner.

“Why are you so difficult?” the girl on the boy's other side was saying, voice pitched high, as she pounded adorably against his shoulder with her lips pulled into a pout.

“I don't know why you're trying to act cute,” the boy replied, barely looking up from his phone, “You know I'm way more adorable than you.”

The statement seemed absurd considering the boy's impressive biceps peeking out from his leather vest and the serious set to his face- even more ridiculous when Jongin glanced back over at the girl to take in her long, auburn hair pulled into pigtails with bangs that brushed her lashes.

But the girl didn't argue, instead giving his shoulder another half-hearted punch before she picked up her cell phone and set about ignoring him.

Jongin pulled a notebook out of his bag and tapped out a rhythm against the cover as he waited for class to start. When he looked up, he found the boy staring at him.

“Good to see that I'm not the only guy here,” he said, lips quirking and Jongin couldn't help but notice how handsome he was. Even if he still looked intimidating as fuck.

“Yeah,” he agreed with an awkward chuckle, “It was nice of you to come with your girlfriend.”

The boy's eyes widened at that. “You mean Yoonjo?” he asked in disbelief, looking over at the girl beside him like she might have morphed into someone else when he wasn't paying attention.

The girl looked up after hearing her name and looked between Jongin and the boy with big eyes before she burst out laughing- feet stomping on the floor and a hand coming up to cover her mouth.

“We're not dating,” the boy told him, unnecessarily at that point.

“Oh.”

Meanwhile, the girl, Yoonjo apparently, was still laughing- reaching out to hit the boy on the arm in her mirth.

“It's not that funny!” the boy complained, looking put out.

“Yes it it,” she insisted, laughing even harder at his scowl.

The boy huffed and turned fully toward Jongin in order to put his back completely to the hysterical Yoonjo.

“I'm Zitao,” he said, properly smiling for the first time and maybe he wasn't as intimidating as Jongin thought.

“Jongin,” he responded.

And that was a start.

---

Over the course of the next few weeks, Jongin got know Zitao in the few minutes they had before class started and during their five minute break.

It only took until their second class for the reason why Yoonjo was so entertained by the thought of her and Zitao dating to come out. The only way Zitao and I could date is if I had a dick, Yoonjo had delicately declared.

To Zitao's credit, he'd only scoffed and apologized for her lack of tact which had her scowling. Jongin then stuttered through some sort of confession of his own (just so Zitao wouldn't think that he was weirded out or something!) which had Zitao smiling warmly and Yoonjo making some sort of facial expression with raised brows, accompanied by an elbow to Zitao's ribs which he'd pointedly ignored.

It was almost too easy, the way it fell together. A month and a half into the semester, Zitao had invited him to coffee with him and Yoonjo after class. Yoonjo, all too conveniently, had to leave after just a half hour. And Jongin knew it had been so he and Zitao could be alone. He wasn't that dense. But instead of feeling panicked, he just felt something warm and fluttery curling in his gut- a sensation that multiplied when Zitao had walked him home and left him after resting a strong hand on his shoulder for just a second too long to be a simple touch.

After a few more coffees and dinners (some of which included Yoonjo, but most of which did not), Zitao asked him to dinner for real- specifying that he meant for it to be a date. Jongin had shyly accepted and even more shyly accepted the soft press of lips against his at the end of the night- sparks exploding all over his skin as he felt like he had finally found what he had been looking for.

---

The remainder of Jongin's career consisted of hastily getting his resume together, studying for finals, cuddling with Zitao on the latter's couch with a movie playing, and fending off Taemin's teasing which was usually making kissy faces (or inappropriate hand gestures) whenever Jongin's phone buzzed.

By the time graduation rolled around, Jongin was feeling more comfortable in his own skin than he ever had. He hadn't yet come out to his parents, but as he hugged his crying mother following his graduation ceremony, he felt a sense of satisfaction- proud to be where he was in his life and excited for what the future would bring.

---

Jongin moved home for a month before he was set to move into his own apartment, so he was available to meet up for drinks with Lu Han when the other boy came home after graduation as well.

Lu Han looked good as he waved at Jongin from the single round table in the dim lighting of the bar. His hair was lighter and he'd maybe gained a few pounds- just enough to have filled out his cheeks slightly. He was in a black t-shirt with a burgundy cardigan and he was grinning as Jongin sat down.

It was immediately more comfortable than that last lunch they'd had at Jongin's house over three years earlier. Maybe it had been Jongin's nerves that day that had poisoned the mood. Or maybe they'd both just been going through too many personal changes that they had forgotten how they used to be and weren't yet to a place where they could truly be themselves.

Whatever it had been, Jongin couldn't feel the tension that had been present last time and he found himself truly happy to be seeing his old friend. Gone were the feelings he hadn't even been aware of the last time he'd seen Lu Han, but the fact that they had existed at all wasn't a cause of distress. It was something that was in the past and he was ready to move forward.

They caught up on the past few years- swapping stories of college classes and roommates and friends. But then the question that Jongin had been somewhat nervously anticipating came.

“So are you seeing anyone?”

It would be easy enough to lie- to say no, or maybe pretend that he was seeing a girl. But he didn't want to. Not anymore. Jongin was done running from himself. He was ready to just let it all go and be who he was.

“Yes,” he replied, taking a sip of his drink and waiting for the inevitable follow-up questions.

“Yeah?” Lu Han perked up, looking curious, “Who is she? Did you meet her in college? Does she live near here?”

Jongin paused and took a breath. This was it. This was it and it was going to be okay.

“His name is Zitao and yes, I met him in college,” he said as casually and as confidently as he knew how, “What was the other question?”

“Him?” Lu Han asked, eyes wide.

Jongin had half expected Lu Han to already know. For all he knew, he and Sehun had met up and Sehun had told him. But apparently that hadn't happened.

Jongin nodded.

“So...do you...” Lu Han bit his lip, uncomfortable, “Only date guys?”

“Honestly, Zitao is the first guy I've really dated,” Jongin admitted, “But I have no interest in women, if that's what you're asking.”

Lu Han nodded, like he was taking it all in.

Then he smiled.

“I'm glad you are seeing someone you like.”

Jongin grinned. “Thanks.”

He went on to tell Lu Han a bit more about Zitao- that he was a film major and that he'd graduated at the same time as Jongin. And then he asked Lu Han if he was dating anyone, even though he felt a little strange- feeling like he had an insight into Lu Han's sexuality that Lu Han, himself, didn't appear to have.

“Well, I've kind of been seeing this girl on and off...we've been friends since sophomore year, but I don't know. I'm not sure I really like he that way...” Lu Han trailed off and this was sounding really familiar.

“How about before?” Jongin wondered, “Did you date anyone before her during college?”

“Pretty much just her,” Lu Han shrugged, “We're really good friends so even when we've broken up, we still see each other and end up getting back together.”

“Is it you who wants to get back together?” Jongin asked, wondering if he was prying too much, but feeling like he was confirming what he'd known for a while, “Or is it her?”

“Her,” Lu Han said and Jongin felt his gut tighten with nerves, “She liked me for a long time before we started dating too...we get along really well and everything but...”

Jongin was gripping his own thighs tightly under the table. He wondered where he'd be if he hadn't realized that he was gay. He remembered the feeling of constantly trying to avoid his own thoughts- the constant twanging of nerves that went along with avoiding the truth. And the painful experience of having to pretend, especially when another party was involved.

Jongin didn't think it was his place to tell Lu Han what he was obviously in denial of, but...if he could save him from years of self torture...maybe it would be worth it.

“Lu Han...” Jongin started, heart pounding in his chest- feeling too big for the cage of his ribs, “I don't know if I should tell you this, but...”

“What is it?” Lu Han questioned, eyebrows furrowing at Jongin's anxiety.

“I think...I think you might be gay.”

Jongin held his breath as he watched Lu Han absorb the information.

“You're kidding, right?” Lu Han finally said with a laugh that looked a little strained around the edges.

Jongin shook his head.

Lu Han frowned.

“Why would you think that?”

“I...” Jongin wasn't sure exactly how to explain without explaining...everything, “I know you, Lu Han.”

Knew,” Lu Han corrected, defensive, “We've barely even talked in four years.”

Jongin nodded, conceding, “That's true. But think about every relationship you've ever had. It's always the girls chasing after you. You've never even liked any of them. The last time you even liked anyone, it was Seolhyun and you didn't even know her. You knew you could never date her, so it was safe to like her. But any girl whom you had a chance with, or any girl who showed interest in you...you never liked. Not like that.”

Lu Han was frowning hard now. Not like he was angry, necessarily, but he wasn't happy.

“And,” Jongin took a breath, “I was there, Lu Han. I was there in high school when we...when we...we were practically dating. Not officially and not physically, but emotionally. The way we acted...our friendship wasn't just friendship. I didn't realize it at the time. I didn't realize it until after I'd figured out my own sexuality. But we had something in high school. It wasn't just me, Lu Han. I know it wasn't.”

“Are you, like, hitting on me, or something?” Lu Han asked, voice tight and the lines of his body stiff with tension, “I thought you were dating someone.”

“I'm not hitting on you,” Jongin told him, trying to stay calm even while Lu Han looked like he wanted to bolt, “I don't- I don't feel like that anymore. I didn't feel that way when I realized....”

“Then why are you telling me this now?” Lu Han practically snapped, and Jongin couldn't blame him. He knew he was probably out of line, but...Lu Han had been his best friend. And he didn't want him to have to live with the denial.

“Because I think you should know,” Jongin said, “Trying to ignore a part of yourself and be someone whom you're not is really hard. I would know. I don't want you to have to do that.”

“I don't know if you think that you're the expert on homosexuality now that you're out,” Lu Han said, anger lacing his words that made Jongin flinch, “But you have no idea what you're talking about. I like women. I don't like men. We weren't dating in high school. I'm sorry you had feelings for me and stuff, but I didn't like you like that. That's crazy, Jongin. We were friends. That's it.”

Jongin knew not to push it anymore than he already had.

“I'm sorry I upset you,” he told him sincerely, watching as Lu Han;'s frown lines deepened and his grip on his glass tightened, “But I hope you'll think about what I said.”

With that, he got up from the table, leaving enough money to pay for both of their drinks before he turned and left the bar.

He wasn't sure if he'd done the right thing. Maybe he'd done nothing but upset Lu Han enough that he'd fight even harder against who he was. But he hoped that wasn't the case. Regardless, there wasn't anything else he could do.

He could only hope.

---

“I have too much stuff,” Zitao complained, nudging a stack of boxes over with his hip to make room for the big box in his arms.

“I know that,” Jongin told him, laughing at Zitao's mock-affronted look before he set down the box he'd been holding to press a quick peck to his boyfriend's lips.

It was almost exactly a year since they'd graduated and Zitao was moving into Jongin's apartment. Initially, they'd gotten their own places since they'd only been dating for a few months before graduation and they didn't want to rush it. But barely a night had passed in the past year that one of them hadn't stayed over at the other's apartment. So they finally decided to just make it official. And since Jongin's apartment was nicer, Zitao was moving in there rather than the other way around.

The late afternoon sun was streaming in through the windows and Jongin could see little dust clouds whenever they'd let a box drop from their hands onto the floor. His arms were tired and he had no idea where Zitao was going to fit all of his stuff, but he was so happy he thought that he might burst.

“Don't forget to see if your agent emailed you the details of that audition tomorrow,” Zitao reminded him, trying to move the growing stack of boxes out of the way of foot traffic.

“Right!” Jongin exclaimed, hurrying over to his laptop which had been abandoned on the couch hours earlier and tapping at the touch pad to wake it up.

He had seven new emails, most of them spam, and nothing from his agent yet.

But there was one email that stood out amid the sale announcements and the advertisements for loan agencies.

Jongin clicked the email with the subject hey, it's Lu Han with no idea what to expect.

Hi,

It's Lu Han. I hope you still have the same email address...

Sorry I haven't contacted you in the last year. And I'm sorry for how we left things the last time we met up.

I shouldn't have reacted like I did. I was wrong. I was wrong about a lot of things, actually. Though I guess you won't be surprised by that.

I wanted to brush off everything that you said, but I couldn't help but think about it. A lot. I couldn't stop thinking about it.

At first, I just got angry when I thought about what you said. I just kept telling myself that you were out of your mind and thinking how dare he say those things?

But after a while, I couldn't stop the part of my brain that had latched onto what you said.

It was the part about the girls that I've dated that got to me first. Because I really haven't ever been interested in anyone that I've dated. You were more interested in Ara than I'd ever been in any girl and yet...

I ended things with my friend for good when I realized that I'd never wake up and magically be romantically interested in her.

Admitting that I'd been in a bunch of dead end relationships was the easiest part to accept. But then everything else started to seep in.

I decided to let myself entertain the idea that maybe I wasn't interested in women. And then I started to think about being interested in men.

I probably don't need to detail that out for you since you've been there.

And then I thought about high school and us.

I'm sorry I acted like you had imagined what was between us that neither of us even noticed at the time. Because once I started to really think, it seemed so obvious. We were both pretty dumb in high school, I guess.

But it's not something to dwell on since it was a long time ago and we're both in very different places in our lives.

I just wanted to apologize and thank you.

At the time, I was so furious about what you were telling me, but it was your words that pushed me to accept some things that I really hadn't wanted to. And I feel a lot better now that I have. You knew that it'd be better once I stopped denying it. That's why you told me. And I appreciate it, even though I didn't at the time.

I hope we can be friends still and put everything behind us.

I heard from Sehun that you and Zitao are still together and I'm really happy to hear that you're doing well.

And I saw you dancing in that music video! Sehun sent me the link. Please keep me updated on your dancing jobs! I want to be able to tell people my friend is famous. Haha.

Email me back if you want to. No pressure! I hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerely,

Lu Han

“Did she email you?” Zitao asked from where he was wrestling with a particularly big box which contained his clothes. Some of them, anyway.

“No,” Jongin said, “But Lu Han did.”

Zitao raised his eyebrows in surprise.

Jongin had told him everything that had happened with Lu Han the year prior, so he knew that this was a big deal.

“And?”

“He wants to be friends,” Jongin told him, “And I was right about...everything.”

“Well, we knew that,” Zitao said and Jongin chuckled, some of the shock from hearing from Lu Han wearing off, “Do you want to be friends with him?”

Lu Han had made it seem like Jongin might not want to in his email, but Jongin didn't know why he wouldn't. Sure, Lu Han had reacted poorly to what Jongin had said. But he completely understood. After being in denial, it was really hard to face the truth. He had been there. He was just glad that Lu Han had finally accepted himself.

“Yeah,” Jongin nodded thoughtfully, “I do.”

Zitao grinned at him as he dropped down on the couch next to him and hooked his chin over his shoulder.

“He's lucky to have you as a friend,” Zitao told him, arms wrapping around his waist.

Jongin chuckled as he relaxed into the embrace.

“I hate to be a drill sergeant, but we should probably finish carrying the boxes up from the truck,” Zitao said after a moment, squeezing Jongin around the middle before standing up and hauling Jongin up as well when he whined and pathetically held out a hand, “If we keep going, we'll finish by sundown.”

“Alright,” Jongin said, smiling as he followed Zitao to the door, “Let's go.”








-Title taken from A Fine Frenzy's What I Wouldn't Do
-Special thanks to drainbamage954 for sitting on me to finish this and for encouraging me to end this how it needed to end. You're the best~ <3
-I love comments. This is fact.



kai
Comments 
17th-Nov-2013 09:51 am (UTC)
spot for drainbamage954
17th-Nov-2013 09:51 am (UTC)
spot for mywookness :)
17th-Nov-2013 07:49 pm (UTC)
This was amazing~ I loved it.
23rd-Nov-2013 08:20 am (UTC)
thank you so much!
i'm so glad you liked it!
thanks for reading and commenting!
17th-Nov-2013 09:06 pm (UTC)
It was so nice to read those type of fics, specially kailu fics, where the story is more deeper than mere teenage sex. It was really nice to read it and also quite realistic! I'd think those type of thoughts and confusions is something homosexual boys do go through during teenage yet they try to deny it by going out with more girls.
23rd-Nov-2013 08:21 am (UTC)
thank you!
i'm so glad you enjoyed it and found it realistic :)
thanks for reading and commenting!
17th-Nov-2013 11:00 pm (UTC)
Wow...just wow.This is sad,but in realistic way.That fanfic is work of art,thank you for your hard work!<3
23rd-Nov-2013 08:22 am (UTC)
gosh thank you so much!
i'm so glad you liked it! and it's great to hear that it was realistic :)
thanks for reading and commenting!
18th-Nov-2013 03:46 am (UTC)
This is so good! I like how their relationship evolved, how all that subtext is there all along but it makes so much sense that neither of them notice. Jongin figuring things out for himself was well done, too, and that he was able to move on (with Tao! Such a great pairing) and that he and Lu Han both got some closure there and restart their friendship. Also Sehun! I love how you wrote Sehun. Thank you for sharing it with us!
23rd-Nov-2013 08:23 am (UTC)
thank you so much!
i'm really pleased that the subtext all came through.
and closure is exactly what i was going for here.
i'm so glad you liked it!
thanks for reading and commenting!
18th-Nov-2013 08:05 pm (UTC)
I really love how this is so realistic! This is really beautiful <333333333
23rd-Nov-2013 08:24 am (UTC)
thank you so much!
i'm so glad you enjoyed it ^^
thanks for reading and commenting!
20th-Nov-2013 10:05 pm (UTC)
This was amazing! I love how you portray Jongin's slow realization of his sexuality, then his "Wait, how did I miss this?!" moment when he thinks back about his relationship with Luhan.
I also love the Jongin/Zitao moments at the end, they were so cute! I don't think I've ever read the two of them together, but I think I'm going to have to now, lol.
Great job on such a lovely story!
23rd-Nov-2013 08:25 am (UTC)
thank you!
i'm so glad you liked it!
it's good to hear that jongin's realizations came through well and that they were believable.
and i had a lot of fun writing the kaitao. they're so sweet <3
thanks for reading and commenting!
22nd-Nov-2013 04:42 am (UTC)
I have to say I really love this and it resonates with me really personally. I kinda denied my sexuality for years until I got to university and then I realised a lot of things. This story is amazing and it made me think back at the past me.
Thanks for an amazing read XD
23rd-Nov-2013 08:27 am (UTC)
thank you so much!
i'm so glad you enjoyed it ^^
and i can completely relate to that. i didn't accept my sexuality until college either. so i'm really happy that this was relatable!
thanks for reading and commenting!
25th-Nov-2013 07:22 am (UTC)
aw, this was so nice;; especially the kai/tao at the end;; they would make such cute irl boyfriends aughh
cries at this part "Jongin then stuttered through some sort of confession of his own (just so Zitao wouldn't think that he was weirded out or something!) which had Zitao smiling warmly and Yoonjo making some sort of facial expression with raised brows, accompanied by an elbow to Zitao's ribs which he'd pointedly ignored." soooo cuuttehafhioaak

and, yeah. as some others have also said. the whole denying-your-sexuality-in-high-school really resonated with me. been there, done that. (and i love self-discovery fics, sobs.)

7th-Jan-2014 03:23 am (UTC)
i'm so glad you liked it!
i love self discovery fics as well and i'm so glad this resonated with you :')
gah kaitao would be the cutest couple ever~~
thanks for reading and commenting!
30th-Nov-2013 07:05 pm (UTC)
Ah! This is beautiful! I can really relate to Jongin's journey in this story! I'm glad it ended the way it did too. More realistic than cheesy romantic.

ALSO I loved to see the SHINee cameos XP The TaeKai stuff particularly ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

소설이 아주 좋아요! 고마워요!

한국은 어때요? 재미있어요? 시간이 잘 보내요? 친구를 많이 사귔어요?
16th-Dec-2013 02:16 pm (UTC)
;A; I THOUGHT I HAD RAN OUT OF TEARS TODAY SINCE CRYING MY EYES OUT AFTER FAILING THAT IMPORTANT TEST BUT BUT ;A; LUHANS EMAIL uhuhuhuhuhh ;___________; i cried alittle ;~~~; really good as always ;~; love everything that I have read by you ;A;
18th-Jan-2014 12:47 pm (UTC)
oh no! i'm sorry to hear about your test and i'm sorry for making youcry more ;; /hands you tissues
but i'm glad you liked the story anyway! <3
thanks so much for reading and commenting!
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